Waiting for the Fix-It Guy

Sitting in their living room, Vladimir and Estragon wait for The Fix-It Guy. Their landlord Dave K. has said that The Fix-It Guy will be arriving at promptly ten o’clock this morning to find and seal the holes through which vermin are entering the house.

Vladimir: Do you think I have time to pee?

Estragon: No, no, I’m sure that if we do that, we will miss him.

Vladimir: Maybe I should pee, just to summon him.

Estragon: No, I am certain that pissomancy is strictly forbidden.

[They do not move]

Vladimir [staring at the humming dehumidifier]: Maybe he has hanged himself.

Estragon: What?

Vladimir: Maybe he has hanged himself.

Estragon: He did seem suicidal, but that would be most unprofessional. Imagine killing oneself when one has an appointment to exclude vermin!

[silence except for the humming of the dehumidifier]

Estragon [standing]: Should we play questions?

Vladimir: What?

Estragon: Should we play “Questions?”

Vladimir: No, we’ve already done that.

Estragon: We could play “Emphatic Statements.”

Vladimir: No!

Estragon: Okay.

[Vladimir hums along with the dehumidifier]

[They do not move]

[Vladimir‘s phone makes a terrible noise]

Vladimir: That is not the ringtone I set.

Estragon: That is a terrible noise.

Vladimir [looking at phone]: “‘No Fix-It Guy today.”

Estragon: I wonder if he hanged himself.

Vladimir [deleting message]: He did seem suicidal.

[They do not move]


(written while waiting for the Fix-It Guy. Special thanks to Andrew Nahem for “they do not move” prompts)

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